Posted on by Chasing Worms

Don’t Give Up On Your Children

Parenting teenagers is hard. I know because I parented two of them. They were the hardest moments of my life, and at times I never thought I would get through it. I was a single mom, which also made it tough. I didn’t have a spouse for support. I thought as my kids got older, I wouldn’t have to manage them so much, or have to provide so much supervision. As it turns out, teenagers need MORE supervision and management than younger children do.

When you stop to think about it, teenagers are trying to figure out who they want to be, and are looking for role models. Role models any more are movie stars, sports figures and pretty much any public figure that’s making headlines. Not all of them are good role models, in fact most aren’t. But from a kid’s perspective, who doesn’t want to be “cool” and popular? It doesn’t matter how warped your personality is as long as you get attention, even if it’s bad attention. This is supported by all the “reality TV” shows that have infected every television network. I can’t believe the crap they show on television any more. But I can’t get distracted right now.

How does a parent compete with all that!!? How do you try to instill good manners, self-esteem and self respect in your children when everything around them teaches them just the opposite? There is really only one way….spend more one on one time with your children. No, this does nothing to help with your already “jam packed schedule,” but it will be the best investment in the long run. Kids get lost in all the other things so readily available through media outlets. This includes, social media outlets, which are the worst. If they aren’t “distracted” with time spent with you, they will be distracted by social media and what it has to offer.

Time spent doesn’t have to be endless hours; it can be an evening where everyone sits down at the dinner table and talks about their day.  Clean house with them while listening to your favorite music and make it fun.  Take an hour or two for a board game or cards. Have your teenagers help you cook dinner. They will learn how to cook and you will be “together.” All these things don’t put your entire evening “out of joint,” but just the interaction with your kids will create a bond and self-respect they can’t get anywhere else.

Limit the amount of time your kids spend on electronics. This includes tablets, phones and games. After spending an entire day at school with their friends do they really need to keep up with them all night too? That should be family time. And for goodness sake, don’t let them take the phone to bed with them. All electronics should be “checked in” to one spot that is controlled by mom and dad, not to be touched again until the next day.

I am thankful electronics weren’t an issue when my kids were growing up. Television was bad enough. But when we finished evening dishes, we would all snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie together. It wasn’t rocket science, but those moments brought us closer together and we still talk about those movies today.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always this easy!

There are going to be times when your beautiful child is going to transform into a teenage, holy terror with grotesque sputum coming from their mouths. You will look at them in disbelief, wondering who’s child that is. Remember a few things, they are operating on emotions caused by hormones, that their brains are bathing in all day long. They don’t understand it any more than you do, and they are angry, upset and irrational. They are exposed to peer pressure we can’t even imagine, and social media images of how they should look and act. Really what they need and want, is a parent who can help calm it all down and put everything into perspective for them. They won’t tell you this, because it just wouldn’t look cool to their friends, but it gives them a great excuse to say, “mom or dad is making me.” Yes, you get to be the “bad cop” for your kids.

Your kids will call you names and yell at you, maybe even tell you how much they hate you, and they will lie to you, but most importantly, don’t give up on them. Remember, they are just kids. Their minds are still those of kids. They don’t understand what’s happening with them either. You are the most important person in their life when they become teenagers. (Pre-teens too). They need to feel like you are a “safe place” they can come to and talk things over with, when shit hits the fan, and trust me, there will be times when it does.

Don’t give up on your child. It will be the longest lasting reward you ever have. This is a time where the relationship with your child will grow stronger or fall apart. If you give up on your child, they will give up on you. The anger and distance will just get stronger and further apart. Don’t expect your children to tell you what a great parent you are; they are just children. Those realizations will come later in life when they have their own families.  During the teenage years, you will feel so unappreciated and like you are a complete failure.  You’re not.

DON’T give up on your children. They need you and you are the parent, the adult, the person who is supposed to offer support and guidance through this time of life. You will be the biggest influence on their self respect and self-esteem. Make the time you spend with them, quality time. I don’t ever consider myself to be the greatest parent, but then I don’t know anyone who is. Life doesn’t come with a manual; it’s just important to try and give it everything you have.

Don’t give up on your children, and it’s ok to admit when you make mistakes. It’s important that they also see you as human. Human’s make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. It’s the same thing you teach them. Don’t let their mistakes become an anchor they can’t shake off. Help them learn from their mistakes and move on.

Be a parent. Don’t give up on your children.

Posted on by Chasing Worms

A Life Set Aside

I watched a film tonight about a man who moved back home to take care of his father who had Alzheimers. The son was so upset at his dad because he forgot some of the most basic things, like putting on his pants before going outside, brushing his teeth or combing his hair. I watched as he screamed at his dad, held him down and berated him for his stupidity.

All this brought back memories of friends who went through the same frustrations trying to manage a parent in different stages of Alzheimers. I remember thinking, how sad they would feel so resentful of their parent for getting ill.

Those same grown-up kids were once the child, and I’m sure it was very disrupting for their parents as well. Have they thought about that? When it gets hard feeding their parents, changing their clothes, and watching over them, those children throw up their hands and put the parent in a nursing home to let someone else manage the responsibilities. Sometimes it is the best thing, but not always, and in a lot of situations the kids never come back to visit once they have “unloaded” the parent.

I read somewhere that the average lifespan of someone once they go into a nursing home is 1.5 years. In other words, they  just wait to die. That tugs at my heart. I worked in a nursing home when I was young. The work was hard but the rewards were great. The elderly people I took care of, would love to tell me stories of their life.   A couple of ladies crocheted ribbons for my hair and loved playing cards. Mostly, they all just loved having company and being able to interact with other people.

I thought of my own aunt who had been placed in a nursing home by her husband, and he also checked himself in, because he didn’t want to be without her. He just found it difficult to take care of her on his own since she had suffered a stroke. They still got to be together every day. The kids never came to visit. I lived so far away, that I could only see them every 5-6 months. One day, just little more than a year after being in the nursing home, her husband died of a heart attack. No one expected that. My aunt out lived her husband by one year and every time I would visit, she cried.  The time was spent comforting her.   She was lonely and missed him terribly, she wanted to go “home” to be be with him.  Even though I did very little talking on those visits, she got so much from me just being there.  Usually by the time I had to leave, she was smiling and laughing again.

I don’t know where I’m going with this but I hope I would not do that to my mother. She can be stubborn, and luckily she is still healthy as a horse, but the only thing she wants, is for her children to respect her decisions she makes for herself, and to not treat her like a little kid. That’s a pretty simple request.

What would it have been like, had our parents thrown up their hands when we were babies, or toddlers and given us to someone else, because they were tired of dirty diapers, midnight feedings, crying and everything else that little ones demand? How many times do you suppose they were tired and felt their life would never be the same? How many times do you suppose one or both of them cried because they felt like they reached their breaking point? Even if they reached the end of their “rope” they never gave up, and they continued to love you and care for you because they wanted you to have the best life they could imagine for you.

I know taking care of an elderly parent is hard. I went through that with a sick parent. It’s very hard. The thing that helped me get through the tough days was when I tried to put myself in their shoes, and wonder how my attitude would be if I were in pain every day, or if I went through days wondering why I couldn’t remember anything from one moment to the next. How terrifying that would be. I can’t imagine adding more stress on to a parent because my impatience and selfishness couldn’t take it any more.

I can only hope that as I get older, I pray that those I love, will have the patience and love to help me cope, and to not give up on me.

Posted on by Chasing Worms

We are all connected

I think about the connectedness of our universe a lot.  Yes, I said that…connectedness.  I believe we are all connected together and with the universe, our creator, higher power, God….whatever label you want to give it.  Myself, I rotate between “God” and the “Universe” but with the same meaning.

I think about the chaos that has erupted in so many places on earth, our own country included.  There is so much hatred, violence and pain being inflicted on each other.  So this challenges the way I think about our “connectedness.”  I’m a firm believer that what you do to others, you do to yourself.  That includes negative thoughts and energy directed toward anyone, and especially physical harm.

Everyone has heard, “What you reap, you sow,” and “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  Then there is the single word that means the same…..Karma.

From the time I was little, something inside me knew that if you treat others badly, it would happen to you.  I remember at six years old, seeing a friend of mine saying nasty things to another person that hurt them so badly.  I told her, “Don’t do that!  Don’t you know it will come back to you and hurt you!”   Where did I get that?  How did I understand something so complicated as a young girl?  I believe we all have an “innate” understanding of those things as we enter the world, and it is only through the “indoctrination” of societal beliefs do we lose it.  Lose it might even be a strong word.  I don’t think we lose it, as much as we forget it.  We forget who we really are…that spirit, connected to all things and part of the greater universe and God.

Ok, back to the real conundrum.  If we are all spirits of the greater universe and we are all connected together as one, does that mean the negative actions and energy of one is reflected on us all?  I’ve been pondering that all morning and talking about it with my husband.  The conclusion I have is, yes.  It does reflect on us all.

I’m going to use an example of one person in particular, who I won’t name, but that person is enjoying the limelight of his own ego and self importance by getting people worked up and angry.  Angry to the point where they commit violent riots and protests, hurting other people in the process; innocent people who had nothing to do with why they are so angry.  Instead of receiving the empathy and support,  they are greeted with anger in return, because they have hurt innocent people.  They have destroyed their own communities “as justification for their anger.”  They don’t seem to understand that through their violence they have hurt themselves.  Their city has crumbled, jobs are lost, businesses closed and there is no money filtering through the community.  In their hatred for someone else, they have hurt themselves.  So have they achieved what they want?  No.  Did they get the reaction they are looking for?  No.  Could they have made greater strides for their cause had they done things in a loving and peaceful way?  Yes!  This has already been proven with great leaders before them:  ML King, Ghandi and Mandela.  Not only did these men do things in a peaceful way, they also “forgave” those they deemed to be their perpetrators.

Love, peace and forgiveness strengthens and forms a bond between people.  Hatred and violence divide.  If we do things in love, we feel deeply the connectedness with one another, whereas violence and hatred make us feel isolated and alone, which is opposite of the way we are created.

So does this mean we are also held to the Karma of our governments?  The things we know they do and the things we are not aware of at all?  Will we be the recipients of their Karma?  You can draw your own conclusion here, but I will point out that governments and rulers make the decisions of what paths our countries take.  If it is a wrong path, I’ve only seen the innocent citizens hurt, not the ones making those decisions.  If we know our government is doing something wrong and we do nothing to stop it, we are responsible for not changing it.

Everything we do to others, we do to ourselves.  This is the law of the universe. We are all connected.  We are all responsible.  Will we continue the pattern of violence or will we choose love and forgiveness?

As I was pondering all these things this morning, I ran across this on Facebook:

together

The caption said, “A visual metaphor for the entire universe: everything is connected by the structure of space itself, even if it is not apparent to us on the surface… “

This was posted by The Resonance Project who is helping in the making of a film on the science behind the interconnection of all things in the universe.  ( I always think it is interesting when I think about something and more information about my thoughts appear to help me through my own process).  Synchronicity at its best.  It makes me smile because it’s nice to see Science catching up.

I want to leave a better world for our children and grandchildren.  We can only do that when we start realizing and believing that we are all One with each other and with the Universe.  We are the stewards of this earthly existence.  Let’s be good ones.  We will also reap the love that we give to others, and with that the abundances that life has waiting for us.  How we view the world around us, is what our reality will create for us.  I can just imagine the world we can create if we all joined together as one mind, thinking of a loving, prosperous, strongly connected human race.

So I end here with this:   The Pale Blue Dot

Posted on by Chasing Worms

What is Christmas

I overheard someone the other day spewing negative rants about Christmas, how commercialized it was, and how he didn’t believe in a god, higher power or anything outside this world. “When I die, I’m dirt,” he said.

Whether you believe in a higher power than yourself, Christmas is not what’s in the shopping cart, but rather what’s in your heart. Christmas represents a lot of different things to everyone, but the most signifiant part of Christmas is a state of mind.

I love this time of year. I get to pull out my Christmas music and sing loudly, along with the songs that lighten my heart and fill me with happiness. It changes my state of mind from the daily chaos and grind. I shift into a spiritual state where I connect with the God I believe in and I allow silence to come so I can feel God’s presence. My Christmas then becomes the connection I have with my creator, the One I give thanks to. Life becomes one of gratitude and celebration.

Even as I start the “purchasing” part of Christmas….you know, buying for the kids and grandkids, my thoughts are those of gratitude, for my life being blessed with my children and my grandchildren and the loving husband I have.

My thoughts center around what I can do for those I love. That in of itself is transforming. There is no greater gift than the kindness you can show and give to others.

Still a lot of people think Christmas is all about presents, meals, and making things “perfect” in the “perfect setting.” There is no such thing as perfect. There only “is.” In this wonderful life, everything is perfect, in all its imperfections. Enjoy the moments. Pay attention to everything and everyone around you and just let it be as it is, and be thankful.

My husband’s sister is so cute. She had a hard time understanding how we could spend Christmas in a warm climate with 80 degree temps and sunshine. “There’s no snow!” she said. My husband just laughed and reminded her, “Honey, baby Jesus was born in the desert with palm trees.” We still laugh about that.

For my sister-in-law, Christmas was what she had grown accustomed to growing up, which is the same for many people. But then afterwards, they are exhausted and wonder how the time flew by, without many moments of pure enjoyment.

Christmas will be what you make it. Everyone has different traditions, religions and ways to worship. They are all good. I certainly have mine. But if you want to make it different than it’s been, you have to start by looking inside yourself and finding a connection to something deeper and greater than yourself. Spend even a few minutes in silence and feel the gratitude for your life. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Look for it, because it’s not hidden. You have to choose to “see it.”

I feel grateful for the quiet early dawn, savoring the warmth and slumbering silence of my neighborhood, and the rainbow of colors in the sky as the sun begins its ascent, bringing another beautiful day. My thoughts return to an old man I met on a beach one evening. He had been coming to that same spot every night for twenty years to watch the sunset. He told me, “I was blessed with one more day, to see one more sunset. As long as I can, I will come here every evening to be thankful for that.”

My wish for this Christmas is that everyone finds some peace, love and gratitude within their hearts, and then pass it on to everyone around them.

“Christmas is not what’s in the shopping cart, but rather what’s in your heart.”