| I have been gone from writing for too long. You might say, “life” just got in the way. I think of a country song, that best describes it; “…this crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life.” That describes, without detail, pretty much everything.
I’ve been reading a few blogs lately, trying to be inspired again (not that I haven’t been), but to find something to help me write my way out of a block. This month is poetry month. Not that I’m a poet, but my young middle school self, thought she was pretty good at it when she would huddle with her best friend and pop out love poems that only pre-teens can imagine. A writing site, which I’m a member of, posts things for inspiration that I usually never do, but today I decided to try my hand at it. The instructions were: What do you love? What have you lost? What’s your favorite thing in nature? Let’s combine them into a poem! Here’s what I came up with. The sun’s warmth I watch an Osprey Sometimes what you love, lost, and favorite things, can best be described in how you write about it. I obviously don’t do any rhyming…well not since I got past those pre-teen years. I don’t consider myself to be a poet, but this has sure helped to break the block. |
Loving
Sitting here tonight, grandbaby number twelve came into this world. I am so excited for our youngest son and his wife.
This little, tiny human being I love so much and yet I don’t even know her yet. I love all my grandchildren equally so. I hurt when they hurt. I’m excited for every little accomplishment they make…every new step, and new word; every achievement in school and award.
I’m amazed how much love one can have in their heart. Parents, siblings, children, grandchildren, close friends, relatives…..We love them all, though it may be different, we still love them. Even with all that love, our hearts are deep enough and have the capacity to love more. That’s pretty amazing to me.
Life has taught me to open up and give love. And when we open up to love, we also open up to receiving love. You can’t have one without the other. That’s the deal. It’s like the wheel that keeps on turning, and the momentum keeps moving with the love you give.
There are a lot of things that can make us mad, every day, but there are even more things to be grateful for and to smile about.
I’m feeling pretty blessed.
Not by Birth, But by Love
He was someone else’s dad. He wasn’t mine. Sort of. He was someone they loved, like no one else could. Sort of. I was there in the midst of it all. His kindness included me. His hugs made me feel I belonged. His smile brightened my heart.
When he found out his son and I were getting married, he took my hand, smiled at me and said, “My family just keeps getting bigger.” He was my dad. Sort of. Not by birth, but by love.
I sat in the corner by myself, while his children grieved his loss. No one could love him like they did. Sort of. I stayed silent, afraid to intrude, my heart breaking deeply. I was his daughter. Sort of. I cared for him, I fed him. I loved him. He was my dad too. Sort of. Not by birth, but by love.
My tears flowed, while I sat silent. Afraid to interrupt their grief, afraid to offend them with mine. I miss him. He was my dad. Sort of. Not by birth, but by love.
What is Christmas
I overheard someone the other day spewing negative rants about Christmas, how commercialized it was, and how he didn’t believe in a god, higher power or anything outside this world. “When I die, I’m dirt,” he said.
Whether you believe in a higher power than yourself, Christmas is not what’s in the shopping cart, but rather what’s in your heart. Christmas represents a lot of different things to everyone, but the most signifiant part of Christmas is a state of mind.
I love this time of year. I get to pull out my Christmas music and sing loudly, along with the songs that lighten my heart and fill me with happiness. It changes my state of mind from the daily chaos and grind. I shift into a spiritual state where I connect with the God I believe in and I allow silence to come so I can feel God’s presence. My Christmas then becomes the connection I have with my creator, the One I give thanks to. Life becomes one of gratitude and celebration.
Even as I start the “purchasing” part of Christmas….you know, buying for the kids and grandkids, my thoughts are those of gratitude, for my life being blessed with my children and my grandchildren and the loving husband I have.
My thoughts center around what I can do for those I love. That in of itself is transforming. There is no greater gift than the kindness you can show and give to others.
Still a lot of people think Christmas is all about presents, meals, and making things “perfect” in the “perfect setting.” There is no such thing as perfect. There only “is.” In this wonderful life, everything is perfect, in all its imperfections. Enjoy the moments. Pay attention to everything and everyone around you and just let it be as it is, and be thankful.
My husband’s sister is so cute. She had a hard time understanding how we could spend Christmas in a warm climate with 80 degree temps and sunshine. “There’s no snow!” she said. My husband just laughed and reminded her, “Honey, baby Jesus was born in the desert with palm trees.” We still laugh about that.
For my sister-in-law, Christmas was what she had grown accustomed to growing up, which is the same for many people. But then afterwards, they are exhausted and wonder how the time flew by, without many moments of pure enjoyment.
Christmas will be what you make it. Everyone has different traditions, religions and ways to worship. They are all good. I certainly have mine. But if you want to make it different than it’s been, you have to start by looking inside yourself and finding a connection to something deeper and greater than yourself. Spend even a few minutes in silence and feel the gratitude for your life. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Look for it, because it’s not hidden. You have to choose to “see it.”
I feel grateful for the quiet early dawn, savoring the warmth and slumbering silence of my neighborhood, and the rainbow of colors in the sky as the sun begins its ascent, bringing another beautiful day. My thoughts return to an old man I met on a beach one evening. He had been coming to that same spot every night for twenty years to watch the sunset. He told me, “I was blessed with one more day, to see one more sunset. As long as I can, I will come here every evening to be thankful for that.”
My wish for this Christmas is that everyone finds some peace, love and gratitude within their hearts, and then pass it on to everyone around them.
“Christmas is not what’s in the shopping cart, but rather what’s in your heart.”
9.11.11
This week, like everyone else in this country, I’ve been reminded of September 11, 2001, as we come upon the 10th anniversary. Watching the news re-run moments of that day, and listening to the stories of survivors as well as those who perished, brings back the emotions that choked up in my chest that morning.
The morning of 9/11 was unremarkable. It started out like any other day as I got myself ready for work. My sister-in-law called me….
“Carla have you got CNN on?” Her voice was frantic.
“No, I don’t. What’s going on?”
“Turn it on, turn it on, you’ve got to turn it on!!”
She was scaring me now. I ran into the living room and flipped on the tv and saw smoke billowing from the world trade center. I watched as the news anchor told everyone that an airplane had crashed into the building. I couldn’t believe it. How did that happen? No one knew.
I sat down on my couch, forgetting about work. A few minutes later I watched a second airplane plow right through the second tower. People on the news were screaming and I could hear the fear in their voices. I felt my own fear rise in my chest, squeezing the air from my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. A million thoughts went through my mind; who’s doing this; where is our military; does our president know about this and where is he at; do I know anyone who is in NY right now, where are my kids and I have to call my boyfriend. My mind raced through a thousand frames of who, what, how, why….why WHY???
I didn’t go to work that day. I was glued to the television for the next two months. It consumed me. I cried with every story of each life lost, and the pain of those who lost their loved ones. It was my pain too. How could a total stranger inflict such horror on innocent people? I didn’t sleep much for awhile. I kept wondering if it would happen again. I was scared for my children and my grandchildren.
Life has changed a lot since then. Travel has become an inconvenience but not safer. For all the traveling I’ve done since 9/11, I’ve stood in very long security lines, taken off my shoes, my jackets, jewelry, been scanned, patted down and still have made it through their scrutiny with mace and a Swiss army knife in my purse. Not that I did it intentionally. I just forgot they were in there and noticed it when I got to my destinations. “Ooooops!” It did little for my confidence in TSA.
We got the Patriot Act after 9/11. There are very few that understand what this new act does to the American people. Government is more secretive than ever. Most information about our government that we used to have access to online has been removed. It’s our government…it shouldn’t have been. Our private records and phone calls are now open to our government and weren’t before, including medical records. Our right to privacy has been taken away. And there is censorship with all of the military operations in the Middle East. Oh I’m not talking about secret missions. I’m talking about the reporter that is covering the stories over there and they are required to submit their articles to the military commander to have it approved or rejected first before it reaches the newsroom. No one ever thought our government would censor our news, but it’s happened. Each news affiliate pretends we are getting the “straight scoop” from them, when in actuality our government is controlling how much and what kind of information is disseminated to the public.
We are into our second president since 9/11 and still no one seems to be in a hurry to do away with the Patriot Act even though Osama Bin Laden is finally dead.
I don’t feel any safer than I did on 9/11 but now I’m not only afraid of terrorist threats, I’m afraid of my own government.
I really hope that all the families that suffered a loss on that tragic day, and those who survived, can find some peace in their soul.
Chasing Worms 
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