Sleepless Nights

Another night, or rather early dawn, and I’m awake, as a million thoughts and memories run through my head like a trading ticker on the stock market.  It doesn’t slow down and I start tossing around as my body won’t get comfortable.  Finally, I get up refusing to fight  what woke me in the first place.  Why do some memories just show up out of the blue?  Why don’t others?

As I sit here in the dark, sipping on a cup of tea, I remember nights like this when I lived a block off the ocean in Long Beach, California.  I always slept with my window open, because I loved the smell of the ocean’s air.  It seems like a lifetime ago but the memory is still vivid, along with the smells and sounds.

There was a woman who passed below my window every day in the early morning hours, before the sun came up.  I don’t know why I thought of her now.  But the following poem poured out of me when I woke.  I use the term “poem” lightly.  Maybe once her memory is brought to life, I can sleep again.

Morning’s Rite
Crickets sing to whoever listens.
The air is heavy and sticky with
salty moisture of the ocean.
The robin’s solo sounds
lonely in the darkness.

Then I hear the humming;
Her “ohms” on every exhale,
in harmony together with
each step she takes, like
every predawn past.

As her song slowly fades
into the distance, it’s
replaced by the surf crashing
in repetitive sequence and
I am lulled back into dreams.

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Loving

Sitting here tonight, grandbaby number twelve came into this world. I am so excited for our youngest son and his wife.

This little, tiny human being I love so much and yet I don’t even know her yet. I love all my grandchildren equally so. I hurt when they hurt. I’m excited for every little accomplishment they make…every new step, and new word; every achievement in school and award.

I’m amazed how much love one can have in their heart. Parents, siblings, children, grandchildren, close friends, relatives…..We love them all, though it may be different, we still love them. Even with all that love, our hearts are deep enough and have the capacity to love more. That’s pretty amazing to me.

Life has taught me to open up and give love. And when we open up to love, we also open up to receiving love. You can’t have one without the other. That’s the deal. It’s like the wheel that keeps on turning, and the momentum keeps moving with the love you give.

There are a lot of things that can make us mad, every day, but there are even more things to be grateful for and to smile about.

I’m feeling pretty blessed.

Beautiful Chaos

This past two weeks have been so busy. I get anxious when my days are this busy; I feel like things are flying out of control. “Stop….take a deep breath….slow down.” Words I repeat to my self throughout the day when I feel like it’s too much.

Sometimes life just gets that way, chaotic. I’m one of those people that has to have everything organized, so when things get a little nuts and out of control, it can upset my apple cart. Writing things down helps. I’m a list maker. I love making a list because everything is in the forefront of my mind and better yet, I can cross them off when they are done! YES! I’m sure I’m not the only one like this and I won’t be the last.

Tonight I decided to give it all up for the night. I’m sitting here in my office with the window open, the fresh smell of the forest after a good old-fashioned thunderstorm drifts through. There’s a small animal crying somewhere and I wonder if it’s mother is close by. Squirrels are chattering and fighting over something. They make me laugh watching them. Crickets are starting up their songs, which bring back memories of childhood summers. I love this time of year and I love the peacefulness right now. This, the beautiful sound of silence, the sound of nature, is soothing to my soul and reminds me it’s ok to sit back and enjoy it.

Tomorrow is another day, a little more beautiful chaos, and another chance to start over. I need to remember this moment though and realize it is available to me every day, every night and all I have to do is reach for it. Chaos makes me crazy but there is beauty in those moments too, so it’s all good. A little nutty, a little chaotic and a whole lot of happy.